Kansas Shitty?

Hello, fellow Dolfans. Well, this marks the second consecutive Monday that we can hold our heads high upon entering our collective workplaces to reap the praise from our colleagues, and bask in the warm afterglow of another victory. So this is what winning feels like. Guess what? I hate it. I do. I truly loathe it.
As a sportswriter, there is no worse feeling in the world than when the team you cover wins a game. How do you make fun of a winner? Who wants to? Wins like this really suck the life out of you. What am I supposed to write about? Ooh, "Joey Harrington -- Okay to Mediocre." Yeah, there's a headline for you. Really grabs the reader, huh? How about, "Ronnie Brown, Good Enough"? See? This is what I'm working with.
And after last week's disaster of a column, I had to watch this game rather than file my report from a ukelele workshop. I even took notes. I was prepared to be as diligent as I needed to be. Then, the game started. After Kansas City won the coin toss, I thought, here we go... Kick return for a touchdown, maybe a huge penalty on the Dolphins. I had one of famous Stu Bixby quips at the ready: "Phins kicked on at kickoff." Could I use it? No. There would be none of that today as KC went 3 and out 5 consecutive times to start the game and the Dolphins lead 13-0 at halftime. My only moment of joy came when Ronnie Brown and Chris Chambers fumbled the exchange on a reverse in the fourth quarter. "Yes!" I screamed. This was it. They threw away the game with some unnecessary chicanery -- those are my Miami Dolphins! But sadly, they rallied around the mistake and held off the Chiefs to win 13-10. Great. And who suffers the most from this victory? You, the reader. Sorry folks. Looks like we'll have to wait until next week.

Onto your emails.
Bill Salow, of Davie, FL writes: Stu, you're a f'ing idiot! The Dolphins beat the Bears last week!! Next time watch the game!

Bill,
I did watch the game this weekend and look what it got me. A lousy article, not the least bit controversial. Hope you're happy. Next week, not only will I not watch the game, I'll file my report on Saturday.

Frank Pruitt, of Dallas, TX writes:
Stu, I enjoy your column and have read you for years. Clearly, you are the best reporter in the world. How do you do it?

Frank,
Thanks. You know, I don't know how I manage to consistently write the best sports articles on the web. I don't question the muse, I just let it take me where it takes me. Half the time, I don't do any research. I can't tell you the names of the players and I have a hard time remembering football rules or even positions on the field. Yet, I manage to be head and shoulders above the so-called "dedicated" reporters. Maybe I'm blessed.

Mark Mendoza, of Hillsboro IN, writes:
Stu, I don't know if you'll read this or not, but what do you think about the emergence of Yeremiah Bell?

Sorry, Mark. I didn't read your email.

Okay, that covers it.
-Stu

Phins Fall to 1-7

*Editor's Note: Stu didn't watch the Dolphins game. He submitted this the day before the game, confident they would lose.*

Another sad day in Dolphinland, folks. Our team was annihilated and embarrassed on Sunday, as predicted by many a prognosticator. The Bears are clearly one of the NFL's best teams, if not the best team, as indicated by their unbeaten record. And the Dolphins are one of the worst, falling to 1-7, marking the end of any chance they had to make the playoffs. But, really would you want to see this team in the playoffs? They couldn't get anything done offensively and their defense played like some sort of aquatic sea mammal. Ridiculous!

Maybe they should have stayed home, not gone to Chicago, so they could focus on next week's opponent. Yeah, it would have been a forfeit, but I prefer to call it a "moral forfeit." Did the Dolphins really need to play this game? Wouldn't they feel better about themselves if they lost on a technicality (i.e. not showing up) than to get beaten like were? Plus, they would have saved a ton on hotel rooms and other incidentals. Chicago is not a cheap city to visit. I've only been to the airport, but man, it's like 5 bucks for a hamburger at some of those places.

Anyway, here are my quick hits from Sunday:
1. I mean, could you believe that one play that tall guy made?
2. And how about that other one by the fast guy? I know. Crazy!
3. Why did Joey throw that one pass to that other guy? I almost fell out of my seat.
4. Penalties. The Dolphins continue to shoot themselves in the flippers every chance they get.
5. Challenge that one call, Saban!

Okay, that about covers it.
-Stu

Dolphins 10-point Underdogs Going into the Bye

LAS VEGAS, NV -- The Dolphins are on a bye. That means they can't lose, right? Wrong! I accepted an old college friend's invitation to Las Vegas this weekend. Seems that he's about to be "put away" for quite a while and he wanted to spend his last remaining hours of freedom reveling in sin. So, naturally, I boarded a plane and joined him.

After a few drinks, we were waffling on how we should spend/lose our money, so we ambled into the Sports Book at the MGM Grand. My buddy threw twenty bucks on a random horse race. Incidentally, he picked 5-2-10, as that was his sentence. And, being the guru of professional football that I am, I thought, what better way to make that cheddar than picking some games. Imagine my surprise when I saw the Dolphins listed at + 10 vs. The Bye!

I asked the guy, "Hey, what gives?" He instantly reconginzed me as Stu Bixby, reporter. It could have been the name-tag I was wearing, or the shirt that listed both my name and profession, or it could have been that I am more famous than I thought. "Sorry, Stu, but you know as well as the next guy, that our line is merely a reflection of how people have been betting the game. Initially, we didn't have them listed at all, but so many people are down on the Phins, it just made sense."

"But, they're on a bye! You can't lose a game when you don't play one," I pleaded. "Are you going to place a bet or not?" he asked. Then at the next betting window, I heard a man go, "50 on the Bye. And 50 on the under."

I had to ask him why he would do this. "It's a sure bet. They're one of the worst teams in the league. Even if by some miracle of God, they don't lose, they won't score a lot, so I've got my bases covered," he said. I pondered this. He made a lot of sense. True, they aren't very good. And they haven't shown a lot of improvement. And they sure do make tons of mistakes. But... They aren't playing!!

So.... long story short, I put my money on the Bye, too. Although, I took the over. With the way Joey is playing, we're good for a few turnovers, and one is sure to be run back for a score. And I think that the defense is just too old to stop anyone. Sorry, fellow Dol-fans, I love my team, but I also love a good deal.

-Stu